Christmas Eve 2011

This was a not so great day...so you have been warned....

Mr. was still not himself, his body was still so week and hurting.  We thought the surgery on his ankle would help his fever and white blood cell count.  It did not.  This made his mood not always pleasant.   Watching him struggle to sit up, watching him begin to understand the work that he had ahead of him to regain strength,  the fact that he wanted to be home for Christmas and he would not be.  

At this point he still had a fever and his white blood count was crazy.  The other blood work showed improvement in his other organ functions(which was great), but we had to be fever free and his WBC had to show improvement. The doctors though he *might* be home for New Years.   Dan did not like this.  He wanted to be home.

When I think back........ I think that Christmas Eve was the hardest night on me as a Mom and Wife.

I did not want to share my sadness with others.  

We spent the morning with Dan but he was very tired and grumpy and having massive headaches so we did not stay very long.  It was still hard to see "my man" as somebody else.

I knew that at this point the more rest and quite Mr. could get the better.  So, I kissed his sleeping face and the boys and I went to do some family stuff. 

We were supposed to host the family this Christmas Eve.  That was not going to happen so we went to Dan’s parent’s house that afternoon for an awkward Christmas Eve lunch/dinner. 

The boys and I then went to church with my parents.  This service was so hard for me.  In the quiet of the service I had time to reflect.  This was not such a good thing.  I had so many conflicting emotions:

I was so angry about Dan getting so sick.  Why?

I was so thankful that he was on a road to recovery. 

I was so thankful that he did not die.  (It was really hard to write that).........

I was so sad that he was struggling with being so week.

I was thankful that he would be able to come home and not have to go to a rehab center.

I was simply sad and full of joy at the same time.

I was a going through the motions.  I LOVE Christmas Eve service it is one of my favorite times of the year.   The lights go down and the candles shine the love and gift of Christmas.  I had my kids by my side as the war of emotions was battling in my head/heart/soul. 

 I sang, I lifted my candle but I also knew my Mr. was alone in a hospital room.    

That sucked.

We went home and wrote a note to Santa, put out the Milk and cookies, put out the manger scene for Santa; I kissed the boys and put them to bed.

I then did what Mr. and typically  do together, but I did it alone.  It stunk. 

 But, again I was so thankful that next Christmas I knew we would be together. 

The war of emotions was still battling in my heart. 

Perspective:  It is hard to be Thankful and Angry at the same time.  But, each emotion was real.  I had to accept that.  I also had to put into perspective that this really was just a bump in our life. This was not cancer or some other horrible illness.  It was what it was.   I had to focus on the good, because the good was AWESOME.  He was with us.  I did not have to plan a funeral.  I had an imperfect Christmas.....full of wonderful joy and saddening sorrow.