Love is….full of emotion.

So, this week started with a birthday of a dear friend.   She was a friend that just rocked.  Her birthday was Monday and she was celebrating in heaven.

It hit me really hard on Monday that she is no longer here with us.

You see I don’t work with her any more, and I don’t see her family on a weekly basis so at times I don’t really remember that she is gone.  It hit me like a ton of bricks on Monday.  If you ask my coworkers I was moody and weird on Monday.  This is because I did not know what to do with my emotions so I tried to be funny- that did not work.  I tried to be normal- that did not work.   Then I let myself be sad.  It worked. 

But, then I snapped out of it like she hit me with her laughter.  It really was that quick.   I was hit with the fact that I missed her because her heart was so full of love and joy. I missed her because my boys still have her picture next to their bed and I find them talking with her.  (I love this and I know she does also) I know that her absence here with us will never be filled.  I also know that her absence affects each person she touched differently. 

So, I wiped my tears and I was full of the JOY that she still gives me.  I was full of the fun memories.  I was full of the music and laughter.   This is what love is.  Her touch on my family still lives.  Her touch on my heart and how I speak to my children is still alive.  This gives me such joy and makes my tears dry up and smile.  See Cancer Sucks to read more about this amazing woman. 

My perspective: Sadness is real and must be allowed. But the joy that people bring is the focus.  The silly songs, the laughter that I pray will never escape my memory and I know will greet me again one day- that is what needs to be focused on.  I hug my family a little tighter today and then we laugh a hard belly laugh.

Oh, and on a side note. I got flowers today from Mr.- let it be known the card stated “Happy Thursday” but they were delivered at the perfect time and made me smile.  The world might end tomorrow, so love to you all!

Love is.....messy

I have a vivid memory of reading the comics with my Dad on Sunday mornings.  I had some favorites but a strong memory is the "Love is" comics by Kim Casili.

I loved this comic because it gave life to what love is.....

Now as an adult it gives me a whole new perspective.  I have the burden of seeing life as an adult not as a child.   I see the bad and the good.   Then toss in my education in theology and it adds a whole new perspective. 

So, I ask you, "What is love?"

I am not an expert at all.  I am just a person living my life.  But, I am writing a blog so I will give my opinion...

This is our problem.....and where we are totally correct.....

Love is in the relationships.  Each individual relationship.  It is not a one size fits all love.

I love my parents/family.....that love is pure and true....but it is a love that fits that relationship.  It is a love that has changed over time and had ups and downs, but it is true love.

I love my husband.  I can't not imagine a better match for me.  That being said I (we) have days that love wins.   It is not a perfect relationship....why?   Because that is not real.  Love is perfect, but we are human and in our humanity we will make mistake and hurt each other.   But the love will win.

I love my children.  This is a love that again has changed over time and I hope and pray that it will continue to do so.  I love my children.  I wish the English language had different words for love because my love for my kids is so different than any other love.  It is not better or greater it is completely different.   This love is also so very real and true.

I love my friends.   This love is totally different because I have a relationship with each friend that is different.  One friend is not greater than the other, the love is true and constant.

I think that sometime we forget about what love really is.  It is not some movie screen or commercial add.  It is real and real life gets messy.  It is full of emotions that I would rather have than not, but at times they are messy.

Love is constant.   Love is true.   Love is something that we all aspire to do and at times fall short of.

This is what I know and believe:

I love God. I love the people in my life.  I love my family.  I love my friends.  Each love is different, but each love is true.   That does not mean that I like each member of my family or my friends every day.....but the love holds true.

I am about to through a bible verse up in here so get ready...

1 Corinthians 13 - New Revised Standard Version (NRSV)

The Gift of Love

13 If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. ² And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast,but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant ⁵ or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; ⁶ it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. ⁷ It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
⁸ Love never ends. But as for prophecies, they will come to an end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end. ⁹ For we know only in part, and we prophesy only in part; ¹⁰ but when the complete comes, the partial will come to an end. ¹¹ When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways. ¹² For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known. ¹³ And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.

 Read this again and see what stands out to you:  Who do you love?  Why do you love?  Who SHOULD you love?

This hits me because sometimes in my "love" I am: angry, envious, arrogant and totally rude.   But, because of the love I can simmer down and know and remember the emotions that come out what the relationship is grounded in....LOVE.  

The gift of love in my life is the greatest gift....it is what I hope to be remembered by.   

Perspective:  I say...love someone today.....why?.......I say....why not.  In that love you can forgive, in that love you can leave, in that love you can have peace.   Love is messy and real but it can be the answer to many problems. 

Parents...

When I was 6 years old I loved my parents more than anything.   They kept me safe and they loved me no matter what.

When I was 12 years old I could not stand to be in the same room as my parents.   They knew nothing, they were totally uncool and anything that came out of their mouth was just totally embarrassing.   They still kept me safe and they loved me no matter what.

When I was 18 I was away at college.   I missed my parents.  I did not understand this because for the past 6 years I thought they were totally controlling and completely uncool.  They kept me in their prayers every night and loved me no matter what.

When I was 24 I was newly married.  I had a different name from my parents.   I saw them now as people with real smarts.   They knew things, they could help me and Mr. with decisions.   They were real people.   This was a weird realization.   They still kept me and MR. in their prayers every night and loved me no matter what.

When I was 30 I had just given birth to my second son.   I relied on my parents like I never had as an adult.  I got it.   We became friends.  They still kept me, MR., Slick, and Mr. Determined in their prayers every night and loved me no matter what.

I am now 36.  I am living a crazy busy life.   My parents help me keep my rhythm.    We love and respect each other.   We pray for each other. 

I know there is going to be a day where my boys can't stand to be in the same room with me.  This reason will be simple.   I am their Mom.  I also know that our relationship will have a foundation that when they move from teenage years to young adult years our love will remain and our relationship will change and grow.  They will also know that even when they are tall, stinky, pimply, mouthy, know-it-all teenagers, I will always love them and keep them safe.

I am so blessed to have wonderful parents (and amazing grandparents to my kids).

Perspective: Hug  your parents.  Call your parents.  Say a prayer for your parents.  If your parents have passed away.   Get out a picture and tell your own children stories about them.  If your parents were not so great, then call the adult in your life that help you become who you are today. 

I have a big butt.....

So, today at staff chapel we saw this video......

It was so great....

What are the BUT's in your life.  I am not just talking about church.   What do you say no to before you think about it?

What should you think about and say YES to and not BUT.....

So, we all have big BUTTS.....and we should work on changing that. :-)

Here I go again: Tick-Tock

This is a short list on what keeps our family ticking, and what helps me not forget my name.

·         My to do list- I keep it on Evernote.   That way it is with me on my phone, my ipad, and any computer with internet.  I can add and cross off where ever I am.

·         My Google calendar- This is color coded, has alert settings, and is also on my phone, ipad and any computer.  

·         Coffee- I really don’t need to say more (except that I now work with coffee snobs and they are making me rethink my coffee choices).

·         Water- It really does help just as much as the coffee.

·        My husband- He is my rock.  He does not say much, but when I need a swift kick in the rear or a soft place to land he is always there for me.

 

·         My friends- They keep me real.  

·         My family- They also keep me real.

·         Fridays- My day off of work (let’s me do school work and grocery shopping)

·         My devotions- I have finally come to a place in my life that on days that I do not do my devotions I miss it.  I now need it to start my day on the correct path. 

·         My bed time.  I have started making sure I am in bed by 10.   This assures me (not so much Mr.- I snore) a good night sleep.  It also means that I should be able to get up and go to the gym.   I will be honest - I hit snooze more that going.   But I miss it so I know that I must put this back into my life.  (Have have gone 2 times this week!!!)

Here we go again (back to school)

So, here I go again.  I am back to school starting next week.   I got my first syllabus on 1/20/13 and the excitement started.  I started marking my calendar for reading, projects, quizzes, midterms and finals.   Then I looked at my calendar and saw it was very full.   But, I am so excited about what I will be learning this semester that I did not really get too overwhelmed.   Then I opened my calendar and realized that the boys baseball schedule has not come out yet, oh, any my work scheduled was not showing, and that means I now have this…oh and that…and well I did have my moment.  

Can I do this?

The short answer is YES!  

This is how:   I look at this semester as just that.   A semester is 12 weeks of my life.   I can do this for 12 weeks.  I can even do it to my best on about 99% of the days.   I will adjust my evenings to reading and writing for school, not for personal reading and mind numbing TV.

When people ask how are you going back to school with a family and with a full time job?  I say I do it one day at a time.   Then the next question is: When are you done with school?  This one gives me hives. The answer that people want is when will I graduate?   When will I be ordained in the church?   In all honesty I don’t know.   I am working towards both, and it will happen, but I just don’t quite know when.  I have a goal to graduate by 2015 and be ordained in 2016.   But, I hate saying that- it is seems so very far away.   But, if I say the semester is over in May.  I can say that with confidence and joy. 

In May of 2012 I attended the Ordination service for the North Texas Conference.  It was such a beautiful service.  In the moment when one ordains stood for her moment of blessing and her family came to stand with her I had a moment of crushing disappointment and fear.  You see she had 2 boys in her family and they looked to be Jr. High and High School age.   It was in this moment that I figured out that my boys will also be young men when I complete this process.   It truly depressed and overwhelmed me.  I went home and cried.   I fell into a hole of worry, pity, self-doubt, and just overall blah.    Then I washed my face and though about life.   It is so fast, crazy fast!   The reality is that my boys will be driving sooner than later, Slick in 6 years and Mr. Determined in 10, that I have been with Mr. half of my adult life.  This process that I am in has gone by like a blink in time.  I am half way done with my class work.   It has been something that I have LOVED.   It has added to my joy (and my stress) but it is happening.  

The perspective is that time goes by so fast, and I know 2016 will be here before I know it.  But, if I look at it by 12 weeks, well that is a blink.  That time frame is so doable.   So, when something overwhelms you, have your moment, and then look at it again in a “doable” way.   Look at it in a way that can give you peace.  That might be one day, one week, or one year.   But, find that perspective that will not cause you to go into hives.

Gift from my sister when I started school.   I love this still today!

What to say.....

This blog is the 3rd  blog I have started.   It has never really taken off.  I find myself thinking now way to much about what to say.   Why is that?

Well, I completely understand that this blog is not life changing for all that read it.  I also understand that it will not be published in some blogger webpage as a top blog to read.

Yet, for the first time it is being read.

This is also the first time that I set up a blog from the real me, not some internet icon.

Those who know me know that I am a people pleaser (well most the time).  I find myself writing something and then changing it because I think "so-and so" might not like that.This is a dangerous cycle that I can put my brain in.

So, today I find myself at a loss of words, which is very odd.

I started 3 different blogs today....

one about change
one about silly stuff (but then decided it was not that silly)
one about the expectations you put on your life.....this one I liked but had a hard time with all the words.

 I even sent some emails and text to friends about what to write about.  I started each of them and it just did not pan out.

So, today I tell you that my life is now so very typical that I feel very silly about writing about it.   Mr. did not have and ICU moment this Christmas.  He is going to work now, and if you were to meet us today you never would know that part of our life journey. We are back to our normal.

My path in minsitry had changed, but what more can I say about change?

My house still has things breaking (the dishwasher and the garage door) so nothing new there.

My boys are still boys.  I can say that if Slick does not put on deodorant that I can not stand to be in the same room with him.  But, I have a feeling this is my new normal. 

I guess I am saying that I feel like the normal in my life at this point is so normal what do you say about it?!?!?!?

So, today you get ramblings about nothing.  My perspective on this is that sometimes "normal", "boring", "typical" can allude all of us.  We just live it.  It becomes a rhythm that is like breathing, we no longer think about it.  So, if today is your normal enjoy it.  If today is your not so good, very bad day; remember that your "normal" is soon to come.   So, today I say live life.  Enjoy it. Notice it.

My devotion calendar says, "My child, pay attention to my words, listen closely to what I say.  Don't ever forget my words, keep them always in mind.  They are the key to life for those who find them, they bring health to the whole body."  Proverbs 4: 20-22   This verse says to me me:pay attention to what I know, enjoy it, and live life for a greater reason (it is not all about me).  This focus is what will give me my health and joy.  

P.S.-Happy Birthday to my Sweet Sister!!!!