CONTROL!!!!

So, the class schedule came out for Fall 2013.  

 I became obsessed.  I read it, I studied it, I figured out that I only need 6 classes now to graduate.   I figured out that when you only need 6 classes the schedule really dictates me, I do not dictate it.  That does not go well with my “Type A” personality.  So, I found myself finding ways to obsess.   I could switch this class for that, I could do this, I could do that.   I found myself finding ways to find control.   In all honestly I gave up hours of my day/week that I can never get back.   Why?  I was searching for control.  I  took something really simple and turned it into a HUGE project.  

 This answer was simple.  I need 6 classes.  Pick 2.  Be done.

 

I find myself doing this in all aspects of my life.  I want to feel in control.  I want to make sure that life is all in order.  

 

Now, it is important to have some control and some focus, but it is also important to be able to let go and let life happen.   It is amazing when you:

- stop and talk to your neighbor even though you have laundry in side.

- drop a coffee off to a friend even though you are on your way to work (and your alarm did not go off). 

- You hug and kiss your other half when they come home even though you are busy writing a paper.

-You put down your to-do list and play some baseball even though you have never really liked the game.  

- you listen to the stranger who begins talking to you and needs someone to listen even though you are really busy and have enough friends.

- go fishing even though it is time for dinner (you might just catch a huge bull frog)

 

You know what happens? 

 You build relationships.  You let life happen.  You find your self smiling and not stressing (as much).  

Perspective: This blog entry is written for myself today.  I woke up stressed, and then had a chat with a neighbor on the way to school, I got a sweet email from a new friend, I kissed Mr. before he went to work.  I made a yummy cup of coffee.  You know what.- I already feel better about my day.  Enjoy yours.  Have some fun.  Do some work.  and SMILE!

Here we go again (back to school)

So, here I go again.  I am back to school starting next week.   I got my first syllabus on 1/20/13 and the excitement started.  I started marking my calendar for reading, projects, quizzes, midterms and finals.   Then I looked at my calendar and saw it was very full.   But, I am so excited about what I will be learning this semester that I did not really get too overwhelmed.   Then I opened my calendar and realized that the boys baseball schedule has not come out yet, oh, any my work scheduled was not showing, and that means I now have this…oh and that…and well I did have my moment.  

Can I do this?

The short answer is YES!  

This is how:   I look at this semester as just that.   A semester is 12 weeks of my life.   I can do this for 12 weeks.  I can even do it to my best on about 99% of the days.   I will adjust my evenings to reading and writing for school, not for personal reading and mind numbing TV.

When people ask how are you going back to school with a family and with a full time job?  I say I do it one day at a time.   Then the next question is: When are you done with school?  This one gives me hives. The answer that people want is when will I graduate?   When will I be ordained in the church?   In all honesty I don’t know.   I am working towards both, and it will happen, but I just don’t quite know when.  I have a goal to graduate by 2015 and be ordained in 2016.   But, I hate saying that- it is seems so very far away.   But, if I say the semester is over in May.  I can say that with confidence and joy. 

In May of 2012 I attended the Ordination service for the North Texas Conference.  It was such a beautiful service.  In the moment when one ordains stood for her moment of blessing and her family came to stand with her I had a moment of crushing disappointment and fear.  You see she had 2 boys in her family and they looked to be Jr. High and High School age.   It was in this moment that I figured out that my boys will also be young men when I complete this process.   It truly depressed and overwhelmed me.  I went home and cried.   I fell into a hole of worry, pity, self-doubt, and just overall blah.    Then I washed my face and though about life.   It is so fast, crazy fast!   The reality is that my boys will be driving sooner than later, Slick in 6 years and Mr. Determined in 10, that I have been with Mr. half of my adult life.  This process that I am in has gone by like a blink in time.  I am half way done with my class work.   It has been something that I have LOVED.   It has added to my joy (and my stress) but it is happening.  

The perspective is that time goes by so fast, and I know 2016 will be here before I know it.  But, if I look at it by 12 weeks, well that is a blink.  That time frame is so doable.   So, when something overwhelms you, have your moment, and then look at it again in a “doable” way.   Look at it in a way that can give you peace.  That might be one day, one week, or one year.   But, find that perspective that will not cause you to go into hives.

Gift from my sister when I started school.   I love this still today!

The Dance of Joy

Stick a fork in me, I am done with this semester!!!

It is now the half way point to completing my degree.   So, I ask that you join me in a Thursday Dance of Joy!

Perspective:  Some days are harder than others, but this schooling in Theology at times makes me question my sanity.  :-)  But, I love it, and I also love that Spring classes do not start until the last week of January!!

Just do your best…

So, the stress of test gets to me.  I find myself questioning, “Why am I doing this?”….I mean school has never been easy for me, what make me think that in my 30’s, with a family, and a full time job I can also be successful in a school of Theology. Really?!!?!?

Then I hear the words of Slick, “Mom, don’t have anxiety.  Just do your best. I have learned at school that anxiety makes you not do your best.”  *Sigh*

Ok, so I heard the words, but in my up past my bed time stress (and being ill for 2 days and losing out on study time) I find my stomach is in a knot and feel the stress in my veins.  

This is when I stop and I say, “I can do this, I have done this.”  I have been successful in all my classes so far, so why will my brain fail me now.  I know the material, and I will study my a** off this week and know it inside and out.

I am doing this because this is what I want, and this is the path that God has put me on.  I signed up for the classes; God did not do that for me.  I drive to class; God may or may not have a current driver’s license.  Now, the peace that comes before a test or when writing a paper I don’t quite feel qualified to be writing, God is with me.  That peace can only come from God. 

I can do this, and I will do this.  In a moment of doubt I will just watch this video and be again rewarded by the words and energy of a child.

Perspective:  Sometimes you need to get over yourself and listen to a kid.  They *at times* are much smarter than us "adults".  They said it like it is.  Simple.