Christmas Eve 2011

This was a not so great day...so you have been warned....

Mr. was still not himself, his body was still so week and hurting.  We thought the surgery on his ankle would help his fever and white blood cell count.  It did not.  This made his mood not always pleasant.   Watching him struggle to sit up, watching him begin to understand the work that he had ahead of him to regain strength,  the fact that he wanted to be home for Christmas and he would not be.  

At this point he still had a fever and his white blood count was crazy.  The other blood work showed improvement in his other organ functions(which was great), but we had to be fever free and his WBC had to show improvement. The doctors though he *might* be home for New Years.   Dan did not like this.  He wanted to be home.

When I think back........ I think that Christmas Eve was the hardest night on me as a Mom and Wife.

I did not want to share my sadness with others.  

We spent the morning with Dan but he was very tired and grumpy and having massive headaches so we did not stay very long.  It was still hard to see "my man" as somebody else.

I knew that at this point the more rest and quite Mr. could get the better.  So, I kissed his sleeping face and the boys and I went to do some family stuff. 

We were supposed to host the family this Christmas Eve.  That was not going to happen so we went to Dan’s parent’s house that afternoon for an awkward Christmas Eve lunch/dinner. 

The boys and I then went to church with my parents.  This service was so hard for me.  In the quiet of the service I had time to reflect.  This was not such a good thing.  I had so many conflicting emotions:

I was so angry about Dan getting so sick.  Why?

I was so thankful that he was on a road to recovery. 

I was so thankful that he did not die.  (It was really hard to write that).........

I was so sad that he was struggling with being so week.

I was thankful that he would be able to come home and not have to go to a rehab center.

I was simply sad and full of joy at the same time.

I was a going through the motions.  I LOVE Christmas Eve service it is one of my favorite times of the year.   The lights go down and the candles shine the love and gift of Christmas.  I had my kids by my side as the war of emotions was battling in my head/heart/soul. 

 I sang, I lifted my candle but I also knew my Mr. was alone in a hospital room.    

That sucked.

We went home and wrote a note to Santa, put out the Milk and cookies, put out the manger scene for Santa; I kissed the boys and put them to bed.

I then did what Mr. and typically  do together, but I did it alone.  It stunk. 

 But, again I was so thankful that next Christmas I knew we would be together. 

The war of emotions was still battling in my heart. 

Perspective:  It is hard to be Thankful and Angry at the same time.  But, each emotion was real.  I had to accept that.  I also had to put into perspective that this really was just a bump in our life. This was not cancer or some other horrible illness.  It was what it was.   I had to focus on the good, because the good was AWESOME.  He was with us.  I did not have to plan a funeral.  I had an imperfect Christmas.....full of wonderful joy and saddening sorrow. 

Hospital Life....

So, we have skipped a few days, but really they were all the same.  Dan was now in a hospital room, he had a massive headache, his body hurt, he still had 4-5 IVs at all times, he still had a fever and he still thought that he would be home for Christmas.

This was also the day that our church had a traveler’s Christmas Eve Service.  I had decided that a little piece of normal would be good so I was going to be a part of that service.

I spent the morning with Dan and his brothers were coming by to hang with him in the evening. 

I went to help set up for the service and then went to go change and get ready.  

Then my phone rang.  

It was Dan he was going in for surgery at 6:00 for his ankle.  They had determined that he had a massive infection in his ankle and they needed to remove it and repair the torn tendon. I mean bacterial meningitis, septic blood, and ICU were not enough for Dan, he also needed surgery on his ankle.  Perfect. 

Well, that is just great….one of the few times that I decide to leave Dan's room they decided to do surgery.  So, I hang up with Dan and call his brothers. ( Ok, before I called his brothers I had an ugly cry) They were on the way to the hospital.  I decided to continue on to church. I had told my kids I would be there (they were at my parents) I had told the church I would be there and frankly Dan still did not know what day it was or my name.  So, Dan’s brothers were there with him and I would leave immediately after the service and go back to his bed side. 

That service was amazing, it lifted my spirit, it renewed my soul, it was perfect.  I kissed my crying kids (they wanted to go with me) and ran to the hospital to see how Dan was recovering after surgery…..But, as hospitals work they were running late and he was still in his room about to leave for surgery.  I got to be by his side, say a prayer, and kiss his lips before he went back.  What a gift.   That night the waiting room was filled with dear friends that sat with me until 11:00 when his surgery was complete.  It went good and the cleaned out the infection and repaired the ankle.  

Perspective:  Again, I have to say in situations like this always go with your gut.  It all worked out, I got to be at a Christmas Service with my boys on my lap, and then kiss the lips of my hubby.  It all worked out.   

The kids....

Well, remember I did not call 911.  That is the good thing for the kids.  They did not see their daddy being put on an ambulance.  They knew he was sick, had seen him at home not looking great but they never saw him in ICU. 

Our pastor talked to them and let them know that Daddy was in the hospital and would be in the hospital for a while.  They had no clue what was going on, but in my opinion in a good way. 

I remember Slick saying at one point, “Mom, I think this is hard on you…but we are going to the movies, having sleepovers, etc.”   I will say that it was hard on me.  I gave my kids to my parents and my friends and just focused on Mr.   I don’t know if I would do this differently.

One day our pastor told me, “Go spend time with your kids.”  I was like, oh yeah…them.   Sounds really bad, but it was our reality.  I asked them what they wanted to do....their response, "Can we just go home and hang out?"....This was another of my *crap* moments.  I felt like a horrible mother.  

The hospital stay and the fact that it was Christmas break was not so great.  They were not in school all day, so their normal was already off.  The fact that nobody was at home just made it that more “off”.

I truly think it was harder on them when Mr. came home (December 26th) and was not himself.  That was hard on all of us (Mr. included) but the reality of Daddy not being able to walk or really hold conservation was real.  Now, at this time he was talking and all, just not quite who we knew him to be. 

This made us a stronger family unit.  It made us rely on each other like we had never done before.  It made us know that true love was and is a part of our family.  It changed us, but for the better.  The kids may not make it through a night at a sleep over, but who cares.  They will one day.

We did have a some fun in the hospital.  We would go up and down the stairs, get totally lost, drive through the parking garage for fun just to get to the top, we played lots of card games, and we still laugh about Mr.'s "meningitis brain" moments.  

Dressing up at the hospital.

Ninjago battles

Smiles.

Perspective: Kids are amazing creatures.  They are stronger than we give them credit for.  They are smarter than we give them credit for.  They are such a source of joy (well and sometimes annoying fighting among siblings) but let them be.  Because all in all- kids are real and full of truth.  Listen to them, they know more than us at times because they take the time to listen.  

ICU

Well, let me say that ICU is full of wonderful medical staff!   They know what they are doing and I just had to get out of the way.   Mr. was confused, he did not know who I was, what year it was, that we had children.  That last one was hard to hear.  He had no memory of our kids.

I kept asking the nurse and doctors how long we would be in ICU.  The nurse always said, “Until I am not worried about him anymore.”  The doctor finally told me to expect at least a week probably more like 2 weeks in ICU and then a extended stay in the hospital, and probably a rehab hospital to get him strong enough to come home.  *This did not register*  I heard, "He will come home."

So, I was told that he had streptococcus pneumoniae bacterial meningitis.  They were worried that it was another kind (that is worse).  So, I went to the waiting room to tell my friends and family.   I love my friends and family.  I was happy with this diagnosis; I had not been sitting in the waiting room on web.md looking up meningitis like they had.  They hugged me and were happy with me.  Then when I went back to the room is when they had their *crap* moment. 

Let me say during this time in ICU Mr. was confused and kept trying to break out.  He ripped about 4+ IV’s out, he kept saying he needed to go somewhere.  He was not nice.  He still did not know me.  It was like a bad version of ground hogs day.  About every 10 minutes he would wake up and try to break free.  I would say, “You are sick, your job is to sleep.”

The first time I left him was Saturday night.  I went home to grab a shower during the hospital shift change.    I remember walking out of the ICU with his nurse telling me to call anytime, etc.  I remember my legs getting week as we approached the doors.  It was like with every step I understood more how bad this was.  I walked out of the door and collapsed in the arms of my friend.  I was broken.   When I was in the room with him I did not have time to be sad and worried, I could just focus on him.  I remember with ever step towards the doors of the ICU reality hit me. I remember being so worried I would never get him back.  I melted in the arms of my friend (who I really should get her some counseling....poor thing!)

OK, so long story shorter…..Saturday night I went back and he was physically doing the same mentally he was mean, angry, and confused.  Then he found a gift, sleep. So, about 11:30 the nurse convinced me the sleep would be a good thing for me also, so I went home.  He was on 1:1 care (the nurse had him as his only patient).  So, I felt ok to grab a shower and a few hours of sleep.  I remember waking up to a quiet house.  No kids, no Mr.  It sucked.  I lost my mind.  I was so scared, mad, sad, etc. It was a Sunday morning, this was not how Sundays went.   Then I went to pray, and I had no words.  I called my pastor broken, and he said, "That is your prayer".  So, my prayer before I walked back into the hospital was I was scared, angry, and I have no words to pray.  Amen.

I went back to the hospital and got the report of the rest of his night, not so great….they finally had to put him in restraints to keep him down.  I was sitting in the room with the nurse; I was just holding his hand and praying so very hard. I could pray for him, it was weird.  I just had no words when I was involved.   I think at this point I kind of got that this was not a good place to be in, that bacterial meningitis was not a great thing to have.  Maybe it was the 1:1 care, the 6-7 IVs that he had, the medical team letting me know that I did everything I could to get him to the hospital..or the fact that he did not know me.

I was not in a good place.

Then it happened. Sunday morning about 10:00am...

He woke up and knew who I was.  He did not know my name, but he knew me.  He even talked.   This was my Facebook update “Dan is talking and joking around. He was surprised it is Sunday!! We will be in ICU today at least then a room for about a week or so. I am so happy to have my smart a$@ hubby back!"

Perspective: In the darkest moments keep the faith, what ever your faith is, keep it!  I know that if things had not turned around at 10:00 on Sunday morning I would still have my faith. It keeps me strong when I am week. 

A Year Ago Dec. 17-18,2011

So this is when it gets scary.  2:00am Mr. wakes me up by banging on the wall. He can’t talk.  I call my parents and my neighbor…..I don’t call 911?!?!? I have learned that if your hubby can’t talk just call 911.  But, this is what I did…..

My Dear Neighbor comes over and helps me get Mr. in the car.  It felt like it took 2 hours I think it was about 15 minutes.  He is weak,he is not able to talk. (Now, if you ask him he was able to tell us how cold he was, etc.)  I leave my neighbor at my home on her knees praying and begin driving to the local ER.  So, this is how my brain was working….I was thinking I need people to meet me at the entrance of the ER (just like any typical ER show) so THIS is when I decided to call 911.  The much smarter man on the phone advised me to pull over and an ambulance will meet us.  I had just passed our local fire department so they were there in about 1.5 minutes.   So, here we are on the side of the road, putting my best friend, my rock in the back of an ambulance.   I still had not a clue how serious this was.  This one of the many things that helped him to have a chance….you see I was taking him to a local hospital that was not set up for true ER emergencies.  I did not know that.  This 911 call took him to Plano Presby.  A hospital that was more equipped to handle a case like Dan’s.

My mom pulls up to the ambulance and fire truck on the side of the road.  This was not planned, but a life saver for me.  We took my car and parked it at a local school and then we were off.  I have no clue what was said.  I just remember wanting to get there.  I wished I was in the ambulance.  We got there and waited for the ambulance.  When Mr. arrived, I could not find him in the ER rooms…..this was my first *crap* moment…..he was in the ICU ER room.  I did not know that room existed.  

The room  was full of Doctors and Nurses asking me questions…..Does he have diabetes?  Has he traveled outside the country?  What surgeries has he had? When did he begin showing symptoms?  Have you been in contact with him?  Have your children been in contact with him?

Then I looked up and they are all in head to toe coverings…..face mask, suits, etc.  This is my second *crap* moment.  I do remember my Mom and I looking at each other....like "oh sh**"......

In all the movement, I sat by the side answering questions.  I prayed.  I prayed.  I prayed.  Then the doctor pulled me in the hall.

In this moment. what I remember the most is the eyes of all the medical teams when then looked at me.  They had sadness and worry.  Their faces were positive, their words were reassuring, but their eyes……This is my third *crap* moment.  Then the doctor started talking.   I think my mom was with me, but I don’t know.  He said words like; spinal tap, cancer, meningitis, call the family.  I just kept asking he will be ok right…..the answers I got did not make me feel any better. “We are doing all we can.” *crap, crap, crap*

So, I went to the family room to sit.  I gave my mom and friends the task of calling family.  Mr. was going up to ICU.  What?!?!  ICU?!?!?  He is a healthy strong man.  He is my man. My best friend, my rock, the father to our children.  Then I prayed.  My prayer was of a healing blanket that would cover him.  I did it again, and again, and again.

I had a moment of true peace. Words can not describe it, and I am not a talented artist, so you are just going to have to trust me.  I knew that we would be ok.  Now, let me say I had not a clue what ok was….just that we were walking this with God.  God is good…..everyday.  I was in a state of numbness/peace that would carry me through the next 2 weeks.  Especially the next 2 days. I had a waiting room full of dear friends and family that made me eat, that hugged me, that allowed me to laugh and cry, and most importantly kept my iphone away from me so that I did not understand the battle that Dan was facing.  

Perspective:  Always call 911.  Don't pretend you are living in a TV show, you are not.  TV shows are fake.  

A Year Ago....December 15-16, 2011

A year ago….

So, this time about a year ago.  Life was so very normal…

We just had our family picture taken.

Then it was not.  

This week will focus on the events of last year.  They were scary, they were sobering, they were just plain ol’ bad, they are full of miracles.   These events are what started my new perspective on life.  They were when I had the opportunity to walk on the edge of tragedy.  To see what faith really is, and how much the love that I have for my family is so very true and pure. 

December 15^th:  The Mr. was sick and we both though it was the flu. Dec. 15^th he was up most the night sick, and was having the shakes so bad that I went to the couch to sleep.  He fell down in the bathroom and tore an ACL in his ankle (we would find this out about Dec. 20^th).  This is the night that I look back on and wonder what I missed…….was he really just sick and I ignored it, or was he really so very sick that I had not a clue.  How do you not know when his body was being attacked?  How can you ignore that and call it the flu? 

So, it began….Mr. with the flu.  I was more worried about us getting sick and me missing out on work (kind of the busy season with church work).  So, after him sleeping most the day on Thursday we went to the doctor on Friday morning.   At this point he was having trouble walking and moving his arms.  Our primary doctor was booked so we saw the other Dr.   We walked out of the doctor (Dan using me to walk) with some drugs to help with joint pain and to call on Monday if he was not getting better. 

You all need to know that he had no fever at this point.  But, my gut knew it was not just a virus in the joints.  I could kick myself for not saying more at the doctor.  I could kick myself for not talking him to the ER earlier.  I could kick myself…..ok you get the point. 

I took him home and went to the Holiday parties for the boys (it was the last day before break) and came home to find a sick and week husband.  I wanted to go to the ER, he wanted to let the medication have a chance.  My gut was screaming at me.  But, I listened to his reason.  I went to my local church and borrowed a wheel chair…really?!?!  If you need to borrow a wheel chair and don’t really have a reason you should go to the ER, but life is not as simple when you are living in the moment.  I was just trying to help him get around without my help.    

I had BUNCO that night and just could not leave him.  I just had a gut feeling.  Still he was talking and acting ok, but not right.  So, I canceled.  I stayed home and just watched him sleep.  We had several more “discussions” about going to the ER.  Why was I not more forceful?  But, I did have my plan B….called my neighbor and my parents….if I call you in the middle of the night answer the phone.  I don’t feel good about Dan.   I set my alarm to go off every 2 hours. 

So, this is when the story really begins.  I had fallen asleep (about 2 am) and he woke me by banging on the wall….he could not talk.  

Perspective:  Listen to your gut!  In all decisions LISTEN.....it is your core (and I believe some Holy Spirit) telling you to pay attention!  Your gut does not always match the normal of life, but listen anyway.

The Gift of Giving

So, this time of year we are all making list and checking them twice.   I have reflected on some of my favorite gifts.  The thing that has made them special is not what they are but the thought that goes behind them.

My sister gave me this when I was accepted to SMU:

It was perfect.  The sweatshirt was nice but the small saying has helped me so much in my journey at Perkins.

I received this from a dear friend....

I love the words/picture and I love that she knows that coffee mugs just make my day happier.  So, perfect.

One year as a teacher I received a box of jello. My student wanted to give me a gift so he got it out of his pantry and wrapped it himself.  The love in that present was so pure and perfect!

I guess my point is that the gifts that I remember the most are not fancy presents that cost a fortune or gift cards to my favorite store.   They are gifts that have meaning behind them.  They are an extension of the friendship/relationship. 

This mother's day I got a tree for out back.  It blooms my favorite color (purple) and it is still alive.

This was our Christmas Morning last year.....

I just to be a complete cheese ball.....My greatest gift ever was last Christmas.   It came a day late, but Dan cam home on Dec. 26th.   The gift of having my family under one roof was really all I wanted. (I know, I know cheese ball, but I warned you so stop rolling your eyes.)

Perspective: I am not the best gift giver.  I try, but I do resort to gift cards at times also, but I hope in this season of giving that the gifts I give are more than a box crossed off a list.   My hope is they have some thought and love wrapped into them.