ICU

Well, let me say that ICU is full of wonderful medical staff!   They know what they are doing and I just had to get out of the way.   Mr. was confused, he did not know who I was, what year it was, that we had children.  That last one was hard to hear.  He had no memory of our kids.

I kept asking the nurse and doctors how long we would be in ICU.  The nurse always said, “Until I am not worried about him anymore.”  The doctor finally told me to expect at least a week probably more like 2 weeks in ICU and then a extended stay in the hospital, and probably a rehab hospital to get him strong enough to come home.  *This did not register*  I heard, "He will come home."

So, I was told that he had streptococcus pneumoniae bacterial meningitis.  They were worried that it was another kind (that is worse).  So, I went to the waiting room to tell my friends and family.   I love my friends and family.  I was happy with this diagnosis; I had not been sitting in the waiting room on web.md looking up meningitis like they had.  They hugged me and were happy with me.  Then when I went back to the room is when they had their *crap* moment. 

Let me say during this time in ICU Mr. was confused and kept trying to break out.  He ripped about 4+ IV’s out, he kept saying he needed to go somewhere.  He was not nice.  He still did not know me.  It was like a bad version of ground hogs day.  About every 10 minutes he would wake up and try to break free.  I would say, “You are sick, your job is to sleep.”

The first time I left him was Saturday night.  I went home to grab a shower during the hospital shift change.    I remember walking out of the ICU with his nurse telling me to call anytime, etc.  I remember my legs getting week as we approached the doors.  It was like with every step I understood more how bad this was.  I walked out of the door and collapsed in the arms of my friend.  I was broken.   When I was in the room with him I did not have time to be sad and worried, I could just focus on him.  I remember with ever step towards the doors of the ICU reality hit me. I remember being so worried I would never get him back.  I melted in the arms of my friend (who I really should get her some counseling....poor thing!)

OK, so long story shorter…..Saturday night I went back and he was physically doing the same mentally he was mean, angry, and confused.  Then he found a gift, sleep. So, about 11:30 the nurse convinced me the sleep would be a good thing for me also, so I went home.  He was on 1:1 care (the nurse had him as his only patient).  So, I felt ok to grab a shower and a few hours of sleep.  I remember waking up to a quiet house.  No kids, no Mr.  It sucked.  I lost my mind.  I was so scared, mad, sad, etc. It was a Sunday morning, this was not how Sundays went.   Then I went to pray, and I had no words.  I called my pastor broken, and he said, "That is your prayer".  So, my prayer before I walked back into the hospital was I was scared, angry, and I have no words to pray.  Amen.

I went back to the hospital and got the report of the rest of his night, not so great….they finally had to put him in restraints to keep him down.  I was sitting in the room with the nurse; I was just holding his hand and praying so very hard. I could pray for him, it was weird.  I just had no words when I was involved.   I think at this point I kind of got that this was not a good place to be in, that bacterial meningitis was not a great thing to have.  Maybe it was the 1:1 care, the 6-7 IVs that he had, the medical team letting me know that I did everything I could to get him to the hospital..or the fact that he did not know me.

I was not in a good place.

Then it happened. Sunday morning about 10:00am...

He woke up and knew who I was.  He did not know my name, but he knew me.  He even talked.   This was my Facebook update “Dan is talking and joking around. He was surprised it is Sunday!! We will be in ICU today at least then a room for about a week or so. I am so happy to have my smart a$@ hubby back!"

Perspective: In the darkest moments keep the faith, what ever your faith is, keep it!  I know that if things had not turned around at 10:00 on Sunday morning I would still have my faith. It keeps me strong when I am week.